Today turned out pretty good. I was scared i was going to get a call from Shahrom and i was dreading it, but i didn't! So that was really good. I didn't do much but lay around. Made a super delicious diet coke cake and watched Split ends and other girly shows. Just relaxed. Just got done working out to ANTM, which was great. It was a really intense work out tonight and it felt good.

   I'm feeling very positive about everything and any bad thoughts i get i just push aside. Life is too short to even think those things! If you're ever having a bad day or just not in a good state of mind, you should think about if today was your last day. Would you really want the last day of your life to be full of worry for a tomorrow that might not happen? Life changes and YOU evolve. But you can only become who you set yourself up to be. So be HAPPY and DON'T WORRY about things that haven't happened, or that could happen. All that worrying only leads you down a path straigh toward the reason you're worrying. If that makes sense. Living for today is what i'm learning to do all over again. I can only do things today, so i'm done worrying about tomorrow, or next month. Things will fit together eventually. And until then i'm just going to enjoy everything this day has to offer.


  

The best part about home
is that it will always be here.

Deep breaths are good.

I spend a lot of time trying to be there for everyone because i'm scared they'll leave my life if it doesn't seem like they'll get anything from me. Then i'd be even more alone. In reality, i just wish there was someone who would be there for me the way i am for everyone else.  i'm so let down by how uninvested my friends are when i'm in need of them. Because i know what i would do if they we're in the same position. I'm starting to feel that Man kind is a piece of shit.

  So i posted a videoon facebook talking about the whole Shahrom thing. It felt good to get it out. But then his sister comments on it saying thats not like him and maybe something happened before he left to make him do it. Oh yeah, because if something did happen between us before he left THEN it would be completely okay for him to not tell me. WHAT THE FUCK? If that did happen i probably wouldn't be in as much shock right now. And everything was so good, so it makes no sense. And of fucking course it doesn't sound like Shahrom, YOU'RE BROTHER, but it sure as hell sounds like Shahrom THE IDIOT WITH RELATIONSHIPS. I mean, i understand. She's trying to defend her brothers glory, but if there is actually something to defend then that shows something right there. And who cares? He wont be dating any of my friends so it doesn't matter if they know. I just feel like such a fool.
   Part of me says (and this is the bigger part) to stay AWAY from the males for a while. But the other part of me feels like i'll never really get over him until someone better comes along. And  i really don't think i can stand to put up with these feelings for THAT long. I already feel ready to meet someone different, to be myself. Not the me i am when i'm with Shahrom. I want to be in controll of a relationship for a while. I'm so tired of sitting in the back seat hoping the right turns are taken. I deserve so much better than what was given to me. I want to know that there is something better


MOTHER FUCKER. I JUST WROTE A HUGE LONG THING ABOUT LAST NIGHT, and it fucking got erased because my computer is a fucking bastard! UGGGHHHH. Thank you for adding to the frustration. I hate this shitty internet connection that no one in this house cares to fix. It's just awesome

  Anyway, i wrote a nice long paragraph about the guy last night, and then a pretty funny little number about the beautiful man who tried to talk to me but i got nervous and brushed him off without meaning to. And i talked about how it's funny how every single time i get away from Shahrom and swear off men, they start popping up everywhere, even though i'm never really interested in them. Or maybe i'm just scared of something so different than what i'm used to. That was about it, but written better and witty.

Life is good.

I'm so bummed today. I had everything planned out for the day, and then i added in extra things, and now none of it happened. Ugh. I wish i could just crawl back into bed and restart.

Tomorrow:

-Jog
-Get online and figure out my dental insurance with the sbux
-Possibly call one of my clients to check in (don't want to bother her though).
-Work all night.
-Sleep

That is assuming i wake up before eleven. that would be nice. But i need to take advantage of the days i get to sleep in.

My back is BROWN. But the rest of me is still white. No, that's a lie. I got a little tan in the front (tan for me) while we were at hood river. I never get dark in front so i was suprised at the little bit i got. Oh my gosh, the back of me looks SO funny. Because at first i was tan from wearing my bikini but at hood river i got burnt while wearing a tank top so the top half of my back and my shoulders is dark, and the bottom close to the middle is a little lighter, then my lower back is normal color. Bahahahaha. It looks ridiculous. I laugh at myself when i get out of the shower.

  Life has been boring lately. I'm feeling better about what i wrote about before. Probably because of Shahrom. I'm dealing at least. I guess it's good that it's been boring, must mean i don't have a lot to complain about.
   Camping was really fun. We went to Fort Stevens and saw all the different forts and had flame grilled chonga bagel with cheese and chicken legs for dinner. Haha. Shahrom made me carry a log for like a quarter mile (maybe more) that probably weighed as much as me. Of course he was helping, but still......... Okay, at first i was fully helping carry it, but then it got too heavy and he carried most of the weight (gave me a hard time for it), but i still helped. He's so funny. I thought it was ridiculous. There we were, on one of the walking paths, walking back to camp carrying half a tree. I'm sure he felt like a real man. Hahahaha. I gues you would have had to see it. Anyway, the place is really nice, not hard core camping. there are showers with nice warm water which was amazing. It was cold and rainy there but that was a nice change. When we first got there we walked a mile to the beach and layed out our blanket.... And fell asleep. We both didn't sleep well the night before. And it was all misty and cold but we slept there for probably close to an hour, maybe more. It was really nice to be away even if it was just for a day. I wish we could have stayed longer, but they wouldn't let us, i think the spot was reserved for the next day. 
  Hood river was AMAZING! It was suppper windy so it didn't seem so hot or humid, even though it was. We sat and watched the kite surfers and ate lunch then went in the water. It's really shallow there so we could go really far out and the water would still be to our knees. Haha. It was really fun.

   I guess it hasn't been too boring. Just, really nice. I feel like i had a little vacation and i didn't even have to take any days off work. I feel very refreshed. Shahrom went home today when i went to work. I hope i can still sleep decently without anyone here. I'm going to try to tire myself out by working out while watching a movie.

   I'm going to continue to stay positive, try new things, and NOT worry.

We're going camping tomorrow morning! It should be interesting because i don't really know how to be dirty. I don't like being dirty, but i'm excited and i think i'm going to have a really good time. We're going to Fort Stevens (hopefully). I just want to be at the beach. It's supposed to be perfect weather, about 80.
  Shahrom is on his way home and we're going to go late night shopping for some food to bring. I'm pretty tired but i was working so this is the only time we can do it. I haven't packed yet. I dont feel like it yet, i might just do it tomorrow morning. I think i'm too tired to. I made a list of everything i'm bringing so i can just grab everything real quick and not have to put much thought into it. It makes packing take me like 10 minutes when i make a list.


Anywho, he's probably almost here, and i want to lay down for a sec before i get up and shop. Yawn.

I don't know if it's the fact that i'm slightly drunk, or whatever, but i absoloutely love my family. My brother is one of the coolest people i know, as well as Trisha. I love hanging out with them.



Ugh. I need to sleep as i am working at 8:45 in the morn.

Fuckerdoodle. Bahahaha. Shit, i need t o sober up.

ps- i always go back and correct my typing when i type drunk. I can't stand to mess up on words.


The End.