I have too much to say and not enough people to listen.

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 06:33:21 GMT

Today turned out pretty good. I was scared i was going to get a call from Shahrom and i was dreading it, but i didn't! So that was really good. I didn't do much but lay around. Made a super delicious diet coke cake and watched Split ends and other girly shows. Just relaxed. Just got done working out to ANTM, which was great. It was a really intense work out tonight and it felt good.

I'm feeling very positive about everything and any bad thoughts i get i just push aside. Life is too short to even think those things! If you're ever having a bad day or just not in a good state of mind, you should think about if today was your last day. Would you really want the last day of your life to be full of worry for a tomorrow that might not happen? Life changes and YOU evolve. But you can only become who you set yourself up to be. So be HAPPY and DON'T WORRY about things that haven't happened, or that could happen. All that worrying only leads you down a path straigh toward the reason you're worrying. If that makes sense. Living for today is what i'm learning to do all over again. I can only do things today, so i'm done worrying about tomorrow, or next month. Things will fit together eventually. And until then i'm just going to enjoy everything this day has to offer.

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 05:56:13 GMT

The best part about home
is that it will always be here.

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 20:58:45 GMT

Deep breaths are good.

ps

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 07:27:30 GMT

I spend a lot of time trying to be there for everyone because i'm scared they'll leave my life if it doesn't seem like they'll get anything from me. Then i'd be even more alone. In reality, i just wish there was someone who would be there for me the way i am for everyone else. i'm so let down by how uninvested my friends are when i'm in need of them. Because i know what i would do if they we're in the same position. I'm starting to feel that Man kind is a piece of shit.

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 19:33:54 GMT

So i posted a videoon facebook talking about the whole Shahrom thing. It felt good to get it out. But then his sister comments on it saying thats not like him and maybe something happened before he left to make him do it. Oh yeah, because if something did happen between us before he left THEN it would be completely okay for him to not tell me. WHAT THE FUCK? If that did happen i probably wouldn't be in as much shock right now. And everything was so good, so it makes no sense. And of fucking course it doesn't sound like Shahrom, YOU'RE BROTHER, but it sure as hell sounds like Shahrom THE IDIOT WITH RELATIONSHIPS. I mean, i understand. She's trying to defend her brothers glory, but if there is actually something to defend then that shows something right there. And who cares? He wont be dating any of my friends so it doesn't matter if they know. I just feel like such a fool.
Part of me says (and this is the bigger part) to stay AWAY from the males for a while. But the other part of me feels like i'll never really get over him until someone better comes along. And i really don't think i can stand to put up with these feelings for THAT long. I already feel ready to meet someone different, to be myself. Not the me i am when i'm with Shahrom. I want to be in controll of a relationship for a while. I'm so tired of sitting in the back seat hoping the right turns are taken. I deserve so much better than what was given to me. I want to know that there is something better

MOTHER FUCKER. I JUST WROTE A HUGE LONG THING ABOUT LAST NIGHT, and it fucking got erased because my computer is a fucking bastard! UGGGHHHH. Thank you for adding to the frustration. I hate this shitty internet connection that no one in this house cares to fix. It's just awesome

Anyway, i wrote a nice long paragraph about the guy last night, and then a pretty funny little number about the beautiful man who tried to talk to me but i got nervous and brushed him off without meaning to. And i talked about how it's funny how every single time i get away from Shahrom and swear off men, they start popping up everywhere, even though i'm never really interested in them. Or maybe i'm just scared of something so different than what i'm used to. That was about it, but written better and witty.

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 16:10:14 GMT

Life is good.

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 23:15:54 GMT

I'm so bummed today. I had everything planned out for the day, and then i added in extra things, and now none of it happened. Ugh. I wish i could just crawl back into bed and restart.

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 05:25:15 GMT

Tomorrow:

-Jog
-Get online and figure out my dental insurance with the sbux
-Possibly call one of my clients to check in (don't want to bother her though).
-Work all night.
-Sleep

That is assuming i wake up before eleven. that would be nice. But i need to take advantage of the days i get to sleep in.

My back is BROWN. But the rest of me is still white. No, that's a lie. I got a little tan in the front (tan for me) while we were at hood river. I never get dark in front so i was suprised at the little bit i got. Oh my gosh, the back of me looks SO funny. Because at first i was tan from wearing my bikini but at hood river i got burnt while wearing a tank top so the top half of my back and my shoulders is dark, and the bottom close to the middle is a little lighter, then my lower back is normal color. Bahahahaha. It looks ridiculous. I laugh at myself when i get out of the shower.

Life has been boring lately. I'm feeling better about what i wrote about before. Probably because of Shahrom. I'm dealing at least. I guess it's good that it's been boring, must mean i don't have a lot to complain about.
   Camping was really fun. We went to Fort Stevens and saw all the different forts and had flame grilled chonga bagel with cheese and chicken legs for dinner. Haha. Shahrom made me carry a log for like a quarter mile (maybe more) that probably weighed as much as me. Of course he was helping, but still......... Okay, at first i was fully helping carry it, but then it got too heavy and he carried most of the weight (gave me a hard time for it), but i still helped. He's so funny. I thought it was ridiculous. There we were, on one of the walking paths, walking back to camp carrying half a tree. I'm sure he felt like a real man. Hahahaha. I gues you would have had to see it. Anyway, the place is really nice, not hard core camping. there are showers with nice warm water which was amazing. It was cold and rainy there but that was a nice change. When we first got there we walked a mile to the beach and layed out our blanket.... And fell asleep. We both didn't sleep well the night before. And it was all misty and cold but we slept there for probably close to an hour, maybe more. It was really nice to be away even if it was just for a day. I wish we could have stayed longer, but they wouldn't let us, i think the spot was reserved for the next day.
Hood river was AMAZING! It was suppper windy so it didn't seem so hot or humid, even though it was. We sat and watched the kite surfers and ate lunch then went in the water. It's really shallow there so we could go really far out and the water would still be to our knees. Haha. It was really fun.

   I guess it hasn't been too boring. Just, really nice. I feel like i had a little vacation and i didn't even have to take any days off work. I feel very refreshed. Shahrom went home today when i went to work. I hope i can still sleep decently without anyone here. I'm going to try to tire myself out by working out while watching a movie.

   I'm going to continue to stay positive, try new things, and NOT worry.

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 05:37:03 GMT

We're going camping tomorrow morning! It should be interesting because i don't really know how to be dirty. I don't like being dirty, but i'm excited and i think i'm going to have a really good time. We're going to Fort Stevens (hopefully). I just want to be at the beach. It's supposed to be perfect weather, about 80.
Shahrom is on his way home and we're going to go late night shopping for some food to bring. I'm pretty tired but i was working so this is the only time we can do it. I haven't packed yet. I dont feel like it yet, i might just do it tomorrow morning. I think i'm too tired to. I made a list of everything i'm bringing so i can just grab everything real quick and not have to put much thought into it. It makes packing take me like 10 minutes when i make a list.

Anywho, he's probably almost here, and i want to lay down for a sec before i get up and shop. Yawn.

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 06:08:10 GMT

I don't know if it's the fact that i'm slightly drunk, or whatever, but i absoloutely love my family. My brother is one of the coolest people i know, as well as Trisha. I love hanging out with them.

Ugh. I need to sleep as i am working at 8:45 in the morn.

Fuckerdoodle. Bahahaha. Shit, i need t o sober up.

ps- i always go back and correct my typing when i type drunk. I can't stand to mess up on words.

The End.

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 03:15:01 GMT

I need to start making some serious money as i am completely itching to get that tattoo. The more i think of it the more i want it. More than i did before when i first thought of it. This is how it was before i got my last tattoo. I know it's what i want. But i still need my mom in there somewhere. But i really don't want it to get too big. She didn't say no today when i asked if she would ever really get one, so maybe i'm softening her. I've fully decided what shop i want to get it done at. I've picked Infinity Tattoo, but all the artists there are so rad that i'm having a hard time picking. I'm in love with at least three of the girls artwork ther. I can't decide. I think i'd be happy with any one of them, their work is really consistant and original, it makes me feel confident that whoever i do get it will be as good as possible.
So now i'm just waiting till i have enough money, and the whole mom thing. I thought of maybe a butterfly incoorporated in it, or like, making some mutant butterfly hummingbird. Haha. I've thought of a lot of ideas, but i can't quite get it yet. I think the picture i put up on my facebook of the hummingbird is SO beautiful though. One day it will just come to me. But this is by far a really importart thing to me and it has to be perfect. I've thought a lot about it. Still thinking.....

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 00:45:02 GMT

I wish i had all the money in the world. STRESS.

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 05:08:11 GMT

Life has been very boring lately. I've been working the sbucks a lot. Taking shifts and getting scheduled 8 hr shifts. I've been handing out my card, did some hairs today. Handed out some more cards today to some ladies who asked who did my hair. haha. I do my hair. Although i'm thinking i need more than i trim lately so i might let someone else do it.

I don't know what's going on with my body. One day it's normal then the next it's fatter. It's making me self conscious when normally my weight doesn't bother me. Maybe i've been eating more lately or something and i just don't know it? It's weird. I understand why people don't eat, although it's extremely unhealthy and i'd never do it, because when i wake up in the morning i'm tiny or a little bit smaller than normal, then i eat something and i balloon up. It's weird, and it never happened before like this. It's freaking me out. Maybe i'm just going crazy and imagining it. Oh well, i'll just eat better and work out.

So basically i haven't written in here because everything is pretty normal, not amazing, but nothing to complain about. Me and Shahrom had a really good conversation the other night about our relationship, but i don't really feel like writing it all down in here, i'm okay with everything and don't feel the need to share it, at least not yet. Maybe later. Haha.

Also, being in the salon today made me really happy. I love the girls i work with and i love that i feel no pressure there. I perform even better than i did in school because i don't have the stress of impressing anyone but myself. It's really layed back and i like that. Being your own boss has it's perks.

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 21:28:30 GMT

So i really really want my next tattoo. WAY bad. Now i need money. So i think the first thing i'm going to buy myself when i make enough money is my tattoo. I'm more committed to it because i think i know who i want to do it now, but i have one last thing i need before it's complete in my mind. I want something in it that represents my mom. Because the original idea was the humming bird for my grandma, but i also wanted my mom to get it with me so it would connect us too. And, obviously it's been a bit hard to convince her, so i need something with the humming bird that represents my mom. Once i figure that out i may get it sooner despite lack of dollars. So it's going to be a really regal looking humming bird perched on my shoulder close to my collar bone on my left side. So i need something for my mom that flows nicely with it, which is going to be really hard considering the area it's going to be placed on. Any suggestions?

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 07:02:56 GMT

WHAT am i doing, everyone would ask.

WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT, i would reply.

Life would be so much easier if i didn't have the world judging me.

But it feels GOOD and i know i should care more, and i DO think hard about it, but these things are illogical. They're known to be illogical, and i can't help but just BE illogical. Every time this happens i feel like "fuck it", because i live emotionally and selfishly. I give myself what i feel like having and i say what i feel like saying because tomorrow i could not exist and i want to mean something and i want everyone to know what i feel while i'm here, and i want to give in to how i'm feeling because i may never feel it again. I MAY NEVER FEEL IT AGAIN! That's the thought that always goes through my head with everything. And then i think that if i don't give in to how i feel i may never know what would come out of it. So, here i am. Again. And FUCK IT.

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 18:55:02 GMT

Aw CRAP! oh well....

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 05:32:24 GMT

I can't tell if i've made a mistake. It doesn't feel like i have, but i feel like i should feel bad because everyone else would be mad at me for it. but really, i'm just over it and not really that concerned about it. It feels really good to be in this place, where i honestly just feel so planted on the ground no matter what happens. I finally feel like no matter what decisions i make, i'm okay with them and everything will work out one way or another. Maybe not today, maybe not for a week, but everything eventually comes together because i do work hard for things, and i do have a good head on my shoulders and i don't care what anyone thinks of the things i do in my life. It's MY life.
I've found that i hate it when people try to say something about my decisions, not because they have a different opinion than me, but because it's just so pointless. the only thing those people get out of saying what they feel about my life, is the fact that they got to actually run their mouths. Just that little satisfaction. The world would be so much happier if everyone just accepted that some people value different things, and if something makes someone happy then LET IT BE! We're all so into thinking our way is THE WAY, even in the littlest of things. It's the morals and values that have been drilled into our heads by society or family since the day we were born, that makes people judge others so critically. And i'm finding that it's just so stupid! And i'm talking about a lot of different things, i'm talking about this really widely. In every aspect. It's too long to explain, so i'll just leave it at that.

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 22:23:42 GMT

Well well well, look at me. I actually did every single one of the things i said i was going to do, and i still have time to just chill. Feels really good.

I got a call from Shahrom today. He said he had to pick up his aunt and some other relatives tomorrow night, and that he could come earlier so we could go hike! I'M SO EXCITED! Finally my craving for nature will be fufilled! I seriously can't freaking wait. I've been craving hiking/camping/anything in the wilderness since it started getting warm out, but it's really hard to find people to do that kind of stuff with, since it takes some planning. We're going to go to triple falls, where i went with my co workers from the theater when i worked there... Since it's the only place i really know to hike to. It's going to be super hot out too so we can go in the little creek and cool off once we're there, then eat lunch and what not.

I'm so glad i'm not going to waste this summer away. Last summer i was in school in all and then work at night and i don't remember doing much of anything remotely fun. This summer i'll be at the salon, but it wont be as bad, and i'll actually have an excuse to hang out downtown all day. Because i need to get some clients down there. So if anyone ever wants to go downtown let me know, i'm always up for it.

Phew, that jog today was NICE. It was so warm out and so beautiful. There was some type of event going on at the pond. There were tons of cars where cars normally aren't allowed, and they were barbecueing and stuff right where the people fish. I thought about staying, but i wasn't sure if i was invited, and i needed to shower and get ready for the day anyway, but it was really cool. By the end of my jog my legs were so heavy. I hope i'm not too sore tomorrow for hiking, i mean, i'll go anyway because i'm hardcore.

Soooo yeah, today has been really awesome. It feels so good to be out in the sun. I seriously missed most of this last year, and i'm making up for it this year.

Today

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 18:12:32 GMT

For real i am going to:
jog to pond (i already have my jogging clothes on)
pick up my room
NOT be down on myself for my lack of clients.
nor will i worry about it (hopefully)
besides the fact that i had a dream about it.
Anyway,
possibly wash my car.

I think that's a good list for the day. I need to get some stuff done around here. My room doesn't even look like a room right now, it's a huge mess. And i like washing my car out in the sunshine. So today will be good. OH! and one more task:

Pay parking ticket given to me by douch bag cop.

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 05:27:31 GMT

Ah, today was wonderful. The sunshine did me good. I've never been okay with being burnt before, but i've just recently started to tan instead of burn and peel. BUT, i'm still an advocate of NOT TANNING, it's horrible for your skin. But if it happens while your out doing something so be it. But still wear sun block. I forgot some today. In california i got burnt and tanned even when i was wearing spf 50. I'm that fair. Haha.

Tomorrow i'm either going to Lynsies to swim and what not, or going back downtown strickly to hand out cards. I can do this. I just don't want to weird people out by just randomly talking to them. BUT, there really is no pain in trying. No one ever got anywhere without trying and taking chances.

I'm looking at life in a whole new way. I really am, to put it simply, happy. Things are never as bad as they seem. Well, things were never bad to begin with, i just need to make some money.

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 02:00:15 GMT

Uck! I am so moody. Haha. Yesterday and the day before i was in the worst mood ever! And today i'm in a pretty good one. I don't get it. I'm blaming it on the shot, but at the same time sometimes i think i'm just certified crazy.

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 17:41:55 GMT

I am an escape artist.

Whenever i get stressed out,
whenever something goes wrong or i'm uncomfortable
i run run run.
Or maybe not?
Maybe i really am doing myself some good.
When i get in those mood, i feel like i need to detach from the situation,
or just get away from everything related to it so i can clear my head.
Maybe i'm not so much an escape artist
as i am logical.
Maybe people who call that escaping,
have never really escaped themselves
and have no idea all the good that can come from it.

I want clear eyes,
i want to see behind myself.
I want to detach
if only for a day.

Money is money.
It's paper and easily torn.
Everything solid originated as
something difficult.
Maybe i shouldn't stress out. Maybe the fact that this is hard,
JUST as hard as i knew it would be,
just means that there is a greater gain in the end.
No pain no gain, right?
Right?
Maybe i should be happy and proud of myself
for taking a chance FOR ONCE!

Yep.

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 05:43:56 GMT

Today was perfect!

Turn around

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 00:51:45 GMT

Today has been wonderful. Work wasn't half bad, got off way early, booked some appointments for saturday.

And i'm taking my dad to go see Little Ashes at 7:25 at the livingroom theaters. He likes Dali, and doesn't mind homo's so i think he'll really enjoy it. I liked it a lot when i saw it in cali, besides the fact that the accents were a bit thick and i couldn't understand everything. But it was a good movie. So i'm excited. It should be really fun.

All in all a pretty good day so far, i would say. Knock on wood!

unknown_beauty03@hotmail.com — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 15:08:39 GMT

So here i am, hanging out before going to the salon. Trying not to think about tomorrow. I think i worried about it enough last night to count for today. Seriously, i almost gave myself an asthma attack. haha. And i only get those when i'm sick or exercising. Hahahaha. God, i need prozac or something. I actually had a dream last night that i went to the doctor to get some type of personality altering pills. I thought it was interesting, because in real life i think i'd just let myself get to me rather than put more chemicals in my body.

Anyway, i'm excited for today. I'm going to just spend the day downtown after seeing the salon, because i'm hanging with Tamsyn around three, then going to Lynsies. I'm going to go hang in a coffee shop for a while, maybe go to the library, go to ED WYSE to get some supplies. I'm bringing my big book of fairytales that Shahrom gave me for my birthday. It's a really awesome book. It's real classic stuff, plus some poetry from some of my favorite writers mixed in. Poe, Dickinson, there all in it. I haven't had time to really read the book. Maybe i'll go to washington park and read too. It'll be really nice to hang out with just myself. I hope i actually do it. Haha. I've been contimplating coming home and sleeping because i couldn't sleep last night. I seriously can't sleep till 2am at night. I hate it. It's definately a problem.

Anyway, this post is over.